Kirby: The outdoor gospel plan
Tribune Columnist
The Boy Scouts of America recently
announced the appearance of a new Scouting award. Beginning this summer,
the BSA will offer a merit badge in Human Sexuality.
The badge, which will be required for
advancement to Eagle Scout, consists of 40 hours studying the various
forms of human sexual behavior.
In a quote I made up entirely, a top BSA
official said, "We hope this merit badge will promote greater
understanding of all forms of sexual expression, although it's beyond me
why any teenage boy would actually need help with this."
If I had to guess — and since I made all of this up,
I do — the BSA probably hopes the new merit badge will open the door to
inclusion of gay men as Scouting leaders. Currently, gay men are
prohibited from all forms of camping within 5,000 yards of a Scout
troop.
The LDS Church, which opposes any form of sexual
practice not solely limited to heterosexual reproduction (including
lurid dreams, impure thoughts, etc.), is considering its options should
the BSA allow gay Scout leaders.
With an estimated half a million Mormon Boy Scouts, it's a big concern. What would Mormon male adolescence be without Scouting?
One of those options is for the LDS Church to
discontinue its association with the BSA. Although I was a Boy Scout,
and rocketed to the rank of Second Class in just three years, cutting
ties to the BSA is OK with me.
I say this because the LDS Church doesn't need
Scouting as much as Scouting needs the LDS Church. The Utah-based faith
contributes $8.3 gazillion annually to the BSA, most of which goes to
executive salaries. I'm still checking on this, but it sounds about
right.
Mormons were involved in organized Scouting long
before Sir Robert Baden-Powell (a guy with some serious sexual confusion
of his own) invented it in 1907.
That was 60 years before Baden-Powell. The biggest
difference being that what he called Scouting we referred to as
"emigrating," or according to my Mormon ancestors, "Where the #%$@ are
we going now?"
Mormon pioneers practically invented hauling stuff
into the great outdoors and trying to make a go of it. We crossed the
plains, fought wild animals, upset the local inhabitants, started
enormous fires and practiced roundly condemned anti-social behavior long
before it became a popular youth program.
It wouldn't take much for the church to start its
own camping and knot-tying plan for young men and women. For the sake of
whatever, let's call the church's new outdoor part of the gospel plan
"Pioneering."
First, we would need structure and awards. How hard could that be?
For example, the Mormon version of the Eagle award
might be the "Seagull" award, as in, "The former Seagull Pioneer and
business leader was sentenced to 25 years in federal prison for ... "
Other ranks could be Telestial, Terrestrial,
Celestial and even Supreme Being. One thing Mormons are good at is
qualifying progress by rank.
Mormon Pioneering merit badges might consist of
things like "Automatic Obedience," "Church Activity," "Moral
Compassing," "Wilderness Testifying," "Holy Ghost Husbandry" and
"Bathroom Stall Modesty."
The program would help prepare young men and women
for missions by teaching them how to relieve themselves in the weeds,
eat nearly inedible food, and sleep well among vermin.
Best of all, it wouldn't cost very much to do this.
Mormons operate almost entirely with unpaid volunteers. Top Pioneering
executives wouldn't get paid millions either, because the church could
just call them on a mission.
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